Trump Asked Me to Be His VP

Trump Asked Me to Be His VP

Just three nights after my congressional campaign ended, my wife and I were quite surprised when the phone rang at 2:00 a.m. today. But we knew right away who it was when the caller said, “Is this the Minnesota Moron? You know I hate that Communist state.” Without missing a beat, I said, “Hello, Mr. Trump.” Then I felt compelled to clarify that although we have lived in Minnesota for 38 years, I actually was born and educated mostly in Iowa.

“Iowa!” he said. “I hate that state, too. The people love me there – you should have seen me at the State Fair last summer, and I won a HUGE HUGE win in the caucuses – even though that Goofy Governor had endorsed Ruined Ronnie. Huge mistake! Bet she regrets it now! Both governors are vermin! Who’s your Minnesota guy…Tim Tango?”

“Close,” I said. “Tim Walz.”

The Reason for the Call

“May I ask, sir, why you are calling me?” I inquired.

“I’m looking at your now-dead campaign website, and I see here you stand for leadership principles of honesty, integrity, peace, dignity, respect, understanding, and service. We will be a perfect pair,” the former president said.

“Say what?” I asked.

“Opposites attract,” he explained, in his unique way. “You have your principles, but I am more about retribution than respect, more insults than integrity, more undermining than understanding, more divisiveness than dignity, more harassment than honesty. A perfect match. Perfect match. Perfect.”

“I’m not following you,” I said, with double meaning.

“If you weren’t such a Quintessential nitWitt Rockhead, you would see the beauty of it,” he carefully and thoughtfully continued.

I actually could not see it – despite the clarity of his logic.

“Look, Rockhead, you will be my next vice president, my running mate, my Number Two,” Mr. Trump harrumphed.

He went on to sputter something about my Midwest background helping him in several swing states, and my Christianity fitting me for Mike Pence’s role with “the Revengelicals.”

Mr. Trump demanded that I accept his offer within 90 minutes or he would make sure I would regret it. He then hung up.

My Answer

Knowing I had a time limit to respond, I quickly decided to call a few prominent Republicans for advice: “I’ve never heard of you,” blurted Marjorie Taylor Green. “You ain’t famous enough, so forget it. Trump needs me, not you.” Lauren Bobert and Kari Lake had exactly the same response.

Fully aware that I am no Dr. Oz or Hershel Walker, I tried calling more senior Republicans for perspective. Mike Pence warned, based on his personal experience, “That may not go well for you. Watch out for ropes.”

So, I turned to the rightwing media. Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson both told me I would be too boring. “People want preposterous, not principled,” Carlson summarized.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson hinted that having me on the ticket might indeed mobilize and bring the great political middle back into the Republican camp. They liked the idea of a responsible, respected, rational candidate on the Republican ticket. Same for Kevin McCarthy and Mitt Romney.

With just a few minutes left, I hastily and boldly called Democrats Kamala Harris, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Shumer, Amy Klobuchar, and the aforementioned Tim Walz with the yes-or-no question of whether they wanted their party to face a Trump-Wittrock ticket. All preferred a crazier running mate alongside Mr. Trump, one they believed would help ensure victory for their own side (which is all they care about). Joe Biden could not be reached.

In the end, I went with my principles and turned down the offer.

Then I awoke from my nightmare.


Written by Quentin R. Wittrock, founder of Principle Based Politics. 

Look for his posts each week, as this blog will explore and promote the idea of principle in politics, both as to individual elected leaders and our federal government as an institution.

Principle Based Politics does not endorse or support any particular political candidate or party.

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