01 Apr The Farcical FARTA Bill
House and Senate Democrats yesterday jointly introduced a bill they are calling the Federal Anti-Rectal Toxins Act (FARTA). In a press conference to announce the introduction of the bill, sponsors described their proposed law as one that would bring much-needed relief to a broad swath of Americans who suffer at the hands—euphemistically speaking—of those who pass gas.
Republicans immediately decried the proposal as taking away Americans’ long-cherished freedom to emit air and noise freely. “This is a freedom issue,” said Republican Party chair Ronna McDaniel. “As always, the America-hating Democrats want to take away our freedoms so that pretty soon none of us will be free to do anything. It’s all about freedom.”
Democrats countered that, in fact, they are the ones who love freedom. “All Americans deserve the right to freely choose what enters their own body. For centuries, oppressive, racist Republicans have forced their air-borne toxins upon women, people of color, and other victim classes. It falls on the government to shove a cork up their…” said Senator Elizabeth Warren, D-Mass, poetically.
Right-wing talk radio hosts and internet commentators already are blowing a gasket about the issue. Some are warning stridently that the FBI will be “weaponized” to plant sound-detection devices in restrooms, particularly those of Republicans, as part of the conspiracy to control every little aspect of our private lives.
Some Republicans in the House of Representatives, including Marjorie Taylor Green and Lauren Boebert are urging their constituents to go to the homes of the bill’s sponsors and make the most noxious sounds they can muster into the doorbell cameras and speaker systems. “Eat a double order of beans first,” MTG instructed. Meanwhile, Representative George Santos randomly declared that he had never once broken wind either in public or private.
Members of the congressional “Freedom Caucus” released a video of themselves, shirtless, putting their hands in their armpits and mimicking flatulence by flopping their elbows up and down. It was one of the more tasteful and serious points they have made, actually. Amazingly, members of the Progressive Caucus also released a similar video purporting to demonstrate the need for the bill’s passage.
Democrats took to Twitter, as well, tweeting, “My nose and ears, my choice,” “Stop the stink,” and “Don’t toot on me.” Environmentalists, too, applauded the proposal.
President Joe Biden’s office released a statement saying he fully supported whatever the left wing of his party wanted to do on the issue. “If the voters want to breathe freely, I will spend trillions and create a new, larger government agency to administrate enforcement of the law,” he said. “I do think we should change the name of the bill to be called either ‘Build Back Better’ or the ‘Inflation Reduction Act,’” Biden later said in off-the-cuff answers to questions shouted by reporters, comments that confused his listeners and may have indicated Biden had lost his train of thought. Staffers quickly pointed out that what the president meant was that he will say and do anything to win votes, whether it adds to the national debt or not.
On their Fox News shows last night, Tucker Carlson, Sean Hannity, and Laura Ingraham, although each admitting privately to friends and co-workers that they support FARTA personally and hate what they called “farters,” all brought on guests opposing the bill. Carlson in particular appeared livid: “Do you see this as an attack by the Biden administration of our religious freedoms?” he asked Rank Smeller of the self-proclaimed freedom-fighting group Loud Boys. “It will only start with this, and soon it will be the banning of burning incense on altars,” Carlson noted as part of his tirade against cancel culture.
Donald Trump barged onto his Truth Social anti-social media outlet, first with the simple message: “Liberate butts.” Four seconds later, he posted this: “I could walk into Fifth Avenue, pull down my pants, and shoot out the HUGEST—the HUGEST—one you ever heard, and nobody would stop me.” In a separate post just two seconds later, Trump added: “The 2020 election was STOLEN from me. I WON!!!!!!,” although it remains unclear how he ties that claim to the FARTA bill.
Ron DeSantis was more subtle: “Thank God the woke, progressive, ultraliberal, socialist Democrats don’t run Florida, and when I am in the White House, all Americans, like Floridians, will have total anal freedom. Stop Woke.”
MSNBC commentators criticized Republican opposition to the bill. “This is a women’s issue, as I see it,” opined Rachel Maddow. “We all know that men are more common gas-passers, theirs are louder, and they smell worse, too. It’s both an equity issue and an inclusion issue.”
Principle Based Politics promises to follow the FARTA bill closely—from a distance.
In the meantime, have a Happy April 1. Don’t make a fool out of yourself like certain above-referenced political and media people often do.
Written by Quentin R. Wittrock, founder of Principle Based Politics.
Look for his posts each week, as this blog will explore and promote the idea of principle in politics, both as to individual elected leaders and our federal government as an institution.